Red Flag! Avoiding toxic relationships.

Written By: Ernest Quansah

The end result of a toxic relationship is devastating and may require some form of healing or counseling. It is the kind of relationship that can leave you emotionally drained, sap your energy, and leave you severely broken up spiritually as well as emotionally leaving you with a feeling of emptiness. In many cases victims may feel the need to seek revenge. The victim's symptoms may be anger, discouragement, frustration, emotional pain, the feeling of not being beautiful or desirable, loss of hope, afraid to trust and the wish to give up.

Men and women who inflict these kinds of devastating pain on their partners show signs of abuse in one form or another as a child, and as adults have not healed before going into a relationship. The red flag to look for when you are in a relationship with a person who may be a threat to your emotional health are mood swings, short temper, inconsistencies, denial, and impulsive behaviors. The abuser will sometimes acknowledge that the way he or she is treating you is wrong but may not be able to take the necessary steps to stop. When they do try, they give up very easily.

When confronted about their abusive behaviour, they often say things like, "Oh, you are blowing everything out of proportion." They blame their partners and will not accept responsibility. Clearly one can notice the inconsistencies in their behaviour and words. They are not able to feel the pain they inflict on their partners. This is because they have personality disorder. Their feelings are not very deep due to the damage caused by the abuse they experienced in their childhood.

I have found that many of these abusers say they have never been loved or cared for before. Thus they themselves do not know how to care or love a person they are in a relationship with. Often victims do not understand why they are treated in such a horrible way, feeling as though they are the cause of what is being done to them. You must never think like that under any condition. You should not blame yourself for being abused. What you need to understand is that a person who does not know how to care or love can not love or care for you. Am I making sense? One cannot give you an orange if one does not have an orange to give you.

As a victim, you need to understand the risk in having a relationship with men and women who have not resolved what happened to them in the past. There are many cases where the abuser will be in a potentially perfect marriage, but the next thing you know they will leave. Often when there is something good in their lives such as a good love relationship, they will destroy it by the attitude they exhibit in the relationship.

Toxic relationships can be between same-race or interracial partners. How do you avoid these kinds of relationships? The best way to avoid a toxic relationship is to not even get involved; they can destroy your immune system. The safest approach to not getting involved is eliciting and following your intuitions when you meet a love interest. Your intuition is your inner guide to your own safety and happiness. For example, as you consider being with a person, take the time to ponder if you should spark a relationship. Another way is, feel and test the person out thoroughly. I say this for a reason in that most people will reveal their true character within a few weeks to about three months. This is why I suggest that, before you agree to a love relationship with a person, take the time to get to know the person very well.

MY ADVICE: The feelings of anger and frustration that victims may feel from an abusive relationship is normal. Let me put it this way: If a stranger calls you stupid, it may offend you, but not for long. Why? Because you do not know the person, have feeling for the person or care about the person. On the other hand, when the person you are sharing your love with calls you stupid, it hurts much more, doesn't it? Can you understand my point here? If you are in a toxic relationship, both the victim and the abuser MUST seek help. If you, the victim, decide to leave the relationship, you must seek help so you can heal. Here is why: Because you have been hurt so much, if you do not get help, you may end up retaining the anger and taking it into your next relationship, where you may become the abuser. In some cases you may look your soulmate in the eye and yet reject the person because you cannot trust any more. In worse cases, the negative feelings you have can drive your friends away. Remember, no-one wants to be around bitter or negative friends. Am I right in saying that? Keep this in mind as a victim; if during the past month to a year you have been abused, it will take time to heal. The minimum amount of time you will need to heal is about four to five weeks, communicating with or seeing an advisor on a daily basis, during which time you should pour your feelings out. Cry if you need. It is all part of the healing process. It is very important you heal so that you can love and trust again but in order for that to happen, you the victim must commit to the healing process. I will suggest that before you look for a new partner after you are healed, please invest the time in soulmate love relationship. It is worth it. There are so many benefits in soulmate relationships. For example, soulmates bring out the best in each other. They nurture each others' souls and spirit and much more. Good Luck.

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Mr. Ernest Quanah is a relationship advisor and author of "How to Identify Your Soul mate," a manual designed for men and women to help them recognize their soulmates. He is the founder of soulmateinfoserve.com, a website dedicated to those who seek confidential relationship advice from the privacy of their own homes. Visit http://www.soulmateinfoserve.com ©2004 All rights reserved.